Business Plan for Pakistan's Political Parties

Between the rule of General Zia and General Mushy, whenever a new government was elected, the most common feedback heard was, “corruption ki intiha ho gayee hai” (corruption has exceeded all limits). 

Now that all the major political parties have had their chance in the government, and have made their share of the money, I propose a siraat-e-mustaqeem for the smaller political parties—a business plan. The parties can brand and market their election symbols and earn revenue. Examples:


Nizam e Mustafa (Party) Clock:
Remember the much talked about free giveaways by Harkat ul Ansar last year? The most prominent being the clock with Kalashnikov hands and four pillars of Islam specifying each quarter hour? Well the Nizam e Mustafa clock would work with the same idea. Granted it won’t be original, but that’s just one of the very few upsides of living in Pakistan. No copyright issues. Instead of reflecting the infidel Egyptian and Greek invention of 24-hour days, the clock would mark time with five compulsory prayers and tahajjud. The hour hand would be a minaret and the minute hand a whip.

Pakistan Tehreek e Insaaf Bat:
The symbol and its history is so clichéd and self-explanatory that it is a little painful. It would be a constant reminder of Khan's cricket history to the consumers. Once Khan's dream of coming in power and making alliances with the terrorists killing us these days comes true, the same PTI bat would become multi-purpose. Khan's supporters could use it to usher corrupt politicians to Balochistan and leave them at the mercy of BLF. The Tehreek e Taleban Pakistan, having banned cricket, could use these bat and shove em up infidels' behinds as a new sport before they behead them. One size fits all.

Pakistan Ghareeb (Party) Chair:
The only thing PGP would need to ensure would be that the chair is grand with a lot of golden colour. The PGC chair would come in five styles. The chair of: president, prime minister, chief minister, general, and chief justice of Pakistan. The PGP would end up helping the poor by taking their money and giving them an imaginary taste of something they would never have. Win-win!

Qaumi Tahaffaz (Party) Loudspeaker:
This loudspeaker would be used solely for the purpose of ensuring everyone and their mamas remember our “qaumi ghairat” (national honour). The loudspeaker would have only one setting: ear-popping loud. Version 2.0 would come with a recording device which could be played back to give the speaker’s throat some rest. The loudspeaker would be an instant hit with our politicians, military officers and intelligence operatives. Whenever stuck in a debate, the user would just whip out the loudspeaker, hit play and drown out the opposing voices of traitors.

Pakistan Muslim Alliance Fish:
Halal fish sold only to halal Pakistani Muslim Brothers to boost up their sexy times. The rest of them could buy it only if they could prove their legitimate relation to Pakistani Muslim Brothers via Federal Sharia Court. Buying five kilos of fish would make the customer eligible for a free Nizam e Mustafa clock.

Mohajir Ittehad Tehrik Fountain:
Playing on the emotions of those who still haven't gotten over the shock that they migrated from India 64 years ago, the MIT fountain would be custom made. The shape of the fountain would resemble whatever fucked-up, idealistic, rosy-tinted vision people have of the past or the "could have been" present.

Mohib-e-Wattan Nowjawan Inqilabion Ki Anjuman Cap:
The name of the party would be written around the cap. The text would start from the top centre and spiral gradually till the ridiculously long name would fit. People would buy the cap just so they could wear it and twirl in front of others so they could read the name.
The exclusive edition would come with neon lights and a remote control. When switched on, the lights would flash to the beat and lyrics of “I’m too sexy for my hat.”

Awami National (Party) Lantern
Once the TTP and Al Qaeda are done with Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, the military and drones are done with FATA, and the government is done with KESC in Karachi, ANP lantern would become an instant hit. The demand would be so high it would revive the economy in the two provinces. The militants, jihadis, mohajir and pashtun will be sucked in this dazzling turnaround. They would renounce violence and set up lantern factories. Pakistan would become the largest exporter of lanterns in the world. The government and the establishment would claim what happened was their long-term strategy all along.

Pakistan Christian Congress Railway Engine:
What deluded world they are living in? They need to grab their stuff, get on that engine and drift into the sunset.

Shan-e-Pakistan (Party) Flower Vase:
The SP flower vase would be a phallic symbol, possibly lower half of a rocket with a wider top where the flowers would be placed. All flowers by LDA in Lahore and CDA in Islamabad would be put in these vases by the roadside. Breaking a SP flower vase would be an offense carrying the charge of treason. Every time a foreign terrorist is caught in Pakistan, the SP flower vase would be sent off to all heads of states to remind them of Pakistan’s glory and rightful place in the world order.

Kakar Jamhoori (Party) Pakistan Stag:
KJPS would be an event management company. It would organise stag parties in which, keeping the democratic tradition, whatever the majority would demand, would happen. They would serve Pakistan Muslim Alliance fish and the primary decoration would be Shan-e-Pakistan flower vases.